Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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