If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
