I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
