so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
