You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
