Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
