wanna go halves on a baby?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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