Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Boobs speak an international language.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
