When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
