I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
