Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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