did you get engaged???
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
The beer is more important than you right now.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
