I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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