life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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