the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
