'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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