Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
this beer tastes like vomit already
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
