i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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