Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
