It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
There's always time for handjobs
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
