Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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