Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
