I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize