My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
