Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
