At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
