Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
