She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
