My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
