How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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