the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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