pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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