Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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