I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
