I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
