This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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