I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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