I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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