You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
it hurts more in the daytime
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
