I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
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I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
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I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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