I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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