she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
