My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
