I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
