my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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