my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
