He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
