I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
