ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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