Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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