There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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