It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
