If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
FUCK WHALES
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