Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
